Adjusting.. (Re-edited from "Life on Mars" -Seu Jorge)

Things are changing. Nothing is the same anymore. I've been tolerating alot of my own grievances. Lately I haven't had a moment's peace. But I can't quit now. The conversations I have with Darryl still come to mind.. about friendships.. I only have two real friends in this world. I don't want to lose them. I wish they would understand me. I want them to.
I know it seems like I don't care. It's because I can't. I'm sorry. If I do care I get vulnerable. If I get vulnerable I get weak, who will be there to help me?I know I'm not the only one who shares these feelings.
What's even worse, I had to speak about all of this to someone who had no business in it at all. This afternoon, Olivia tells me I have to talk to her. She tells me "I've changed". I never changed. Everyone else changed. She tells me I "never hang out with them anymore". I wasn't even awhere that I was "friends" with her. Much less that she even cared. Christina obviously talked to her about it. So I told her about the friendship between me Darryl and Christina. How lately I haven't been feeling as close to her as I used to. How I think she doesn't care. Olivia tells me otherwise. Then she told me something I didn't expect her to say.
"D*****, I don't have any friends." She tells me how she knows everyone "I thought" were friens of her's weren't. How she talks to no one the way she talks to me.
I know how hard it is to confide in anyone. Not even family can be trusted these days..
(What am I writing?.. what do I really want to say?)
I want to please everyone, but I can't. And when you spend half your life trying to please everyone, you get fed up with it. I'm tired of all this. I refuse to continue. I don't want to care anymore. I want to see if my suspicions are correct. If I didn't do anything, would anything be done? Me and my best friend keep disputing with each other. And until this point I'm always the one doing something. This is it for me. I need proof that I'm not the only one who values the friendship. All I get are excuses. "Fun time weekends?" "I'm never around?" Fuck all that. She knows I have a telephone. She knows.
(I'm fed up with this.. I hate that this is the longest post I've written so far.. I fucking hate it.)
I'm at that point where I do want anything to do with anyone. Where I can accept living by myself, abandoning everyone. (It's not like I haven't before.)
"A friend is a gift you give yourself".
(I always disagreed with that philosophy. These past few days, I understand what it means.)
I live my life on Mars..