I love Breast Cancer Month

Now, let me explain.

It really is a wonderful month. The weather cools down. The leaves fall. People stand a little more tall. Issues resolve and we clear it all. The sun sets a little later. But none of these reasons lends to why I love Breast Cancer Month.

Take this idea from a man's perspective. Hell every man should love Breast Cancer Month. Initially this is how I arrived at the appreciation. It was during work at the office. Caresse was working on some agenda for her Breast Cancer workshop. I was just impressed by all the pink!

(I own a pair of Banana Split flavored Ice Creams, so lately I've been exploring the color wheel.)

As we were walking to an assembly I just said it out loud without thinking. "I love breast cancer." This girl stared at me shocked and laughed. "Why do you LOVE breast cancer?" she asked. I told her "-because of all the pink you wear! It's so awesome!" It wasn't until later when she told the rest of the office of my newfound appreciation that I elaborated further, "it's not the breast cancer I love, it's breast cancer month that I love!" To no avail, the explanation had not helped my case.

Forward to a couple months later, I am sitting in the very workshop Caresse was planning. I sit there watching her MC in an incredibly short dress or what-have-you. As usual the refreshments table has crap, medicinal fruit punch, water, coffee. Lucky for me I'm not alone, I brought Yesenia with me.

A quick illustration of almost every event at Saint Thomas University: Empty. There will always be cold violating chairs, dead short fabric carpeting, poor buffet-style refreshments, and just a gloomy environment. Emptiness fills every event. Call it poor planning, call it bad publicity, call it whatever you want but evidently the answer is always wrong. I think political science majors would have a better chance of guessing the reason.

Returning to the workshop, it is undoubtedly empty. Caresse had called me prior to the event to show up. I could tell from the sound of her voice that she felt bad. I could guess why. It's not her fault though; It's everyone's. I make the best of it anyway. On the way to the workshop I drag Yesenia with me and I am so thankful she let me take her for Caresse's sake.

Now I am sitting there, listening to a lecture on breast cancer figuring out why I love breast cancer month. I really think about it though. I sincerely ponder why I said that, and why I love 'Titty Cancer Month' so much. Then I figure it out. However, at that moment the lady speaking passes around a fake titty.

I hold myself from laughing for the next half-four. The titty is in the first row, I'm in the third. Holy shit I see the titty and I get curious. How real does it feel? Yesenia notices the look of interest on my face; Maybe I made it painfully obvious. I'm holding myself from laughing. It must've filled an A-cup. Then I think what the fuck am I thinking about? I'm desperate to touch a fake titty! Was it for comparison's sake, because I know damn sure it wasn't to check for lumps. "Check for lumps." Then I start to hold myself from laughing even more.

I whisper to Yesenia "I think something's wrong with me". I ask her if it's normal to just think of funny things during a serious moment, such as a breast cancer workshop with a guest speaker whom worked at a breast cancer clinic and has seen many victims of breast cancer. She looks at me; and she says "Yes."

So I tell her this. "Right now, I just imagined that during the middle of the assembly, some black guy rips through from behind the PowerPoint partition and plays a deep bass hip-hop melody singing 'CHECK FOR LUMPS!'" She doesn't change her expression, but I can tell by how she is hopelessly tightening her lips that she wants to laugh like there's no tomorrow.

As the black guy in my head is rapping "CHECK FOR LUMPS!", here comes the fake titty being passed around. The lady hands it to me, and I decide to just pass it off. Fuck. I really wanted to touch the fake titty, and Yesenia tells me "lets feel it together" jokingly. She passes it off, and there went my chance; Mother fucker.

The workshop finished on a touching note. There was an additional breast cancer survivor present at the workshop who was going to tell her story. It was sad, very sad. Unfortunately I'm not the type to sob when sad testimonials are done. I was smiling the whole time. I don't know why. I kept trying not to smile, but I couldn't. I was hoping nobody would notice, but then I noticed there were only 10 people at the assembly. I pretty much concluded no one saw me.

After the whole thing was over I thanked Yesenia for being there with me, I congratulated Caresse on her hard work, and I left. I didn't leave without jacking six free pink breast cancer pens though. Yo these pens were really pink so I had to have one of these gay writing utensils. Awesomely gay. Besides, next time someone asked for a pen, I could lend them the superbly gay pens to use. Honestly, who would keep such a gay and stuck out pen?

I attended the workshop, and I figured out why I love breast cancer month and why every man should too. Titties. Now, I love titties. I know all men love titties. On a serious note, I don't see why no man shouldn't love breast cancer month. It is the month that helps us make sure titties are healthy. Nobody wants an unhealthy pair of titties. Titty cancer month should be a very important month in every man's calendar. Besides having an excuse to wear pink, it is only logical for heterosexual males to spread awareness and appreciate titties. I know damn well I wasn't there to make sure I didn't have breast cancer..

..I was there for all the female titties in the world.

"CHECK FOR LUMPS!"
-Black guy in my head with a Kangol hat on