"I Agree with the Second Part."

Why am I so irritable right now?

This is not stress. Nothing stresses me.

I'm having a wonderful time in college. Everything is easy. But when I get home it's a different story. Why am I so stressed? I need to leave.

Before it used to be that nothing could make me angry, or nothing could just "exhaust" me. FIghts are increasing, yelling is doubling, noise doesn't stop. I need peace. I want to rest in peace. I don't like all this "cussing", all this "need to make another feel worse"/insulting.

I want a piece of mind. I know why certain people do what they do, and it's to get away. Why does a certain person get so many jobs? Why do some people work all day? Why do some choose a life of drugs, and of prostitution.. it's a disorder in people's minds telling them they need to get away for closure. It's a false feeling of "euphoric decision making". "I did this". "I did that".

I want to move out.

I want to fuck up my life and see things through the opposite end of the spectrum, afterall I've only been halfway right? I want to know what it's like to have your fingers cut off because you owe a loan shark money.. how it feels to sell your child for food, and the regret you much time later. How it feels to have your best friend dead, and having assisted them in doing so..

Sounds horrible.

Is it?

I'm talking in epithets that abuse reality and most who posses a mental stability of "the norm" may find it disturbing.. but in actuality, nothing is disturbing. Everything is normal.

This is the world we live in today..

I read somewhere about how the "crime rate" in the nation around the 1990's was in so much turmoil that economists believed that America would be much more dangerous and we would soon live in chaos. The murder rate was on the rise.. It was even said that children would begin shootouts, teenagers would kill each other, and we would have the number one murder rate on the planet.

Years later, today, crime has significantly lowered and all the "prophecies" have been proven wrong. In fact the crime rate had dropped about 200 percent since 1992 to 2005, (around that number I believe).

What did they all say? Well all those same experts in our economy said the reason for this was more police enforcement, and gun laws were enforced. This is the reason why the crime rate had dropped!

Silly them right?

The real truth is because of a woman by the name of Norma McCorvey, under the pseudonym Jane Roe, (Roe v. Wade). She had challenged the criminal abortion laws in Texas. She was pregnant and could not have her baby. Henry Wade was the attorney general who defended the anti-abortion law at the time.

The supreme court ruled in her favor, stating that government did not have the power to prohibit abortions. It disturbed the freedom of personal choice in family matters.

This case was decided in 1973. About 20 years before the "prophecies were told", and even then the crime rate was dropping. Studies do show that "unwanted children" are more likely to grow up as criminals than "wanted children" (excuse the crude labeling).

In reality, as the abundance in abortions grew, the national crime rate was dropping.

Norma McCorvey later "found god", and is now a "pro-life" supporter.

Ernest Hemingway once said,"The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for." And on July 2, 1961, Hemingway shot himself to death with a shotgun at his home in Idaho.

I need to get out of here. I'm not depressed (because that would be a stupid thing to do). I'm just filled with evil intentions and bad thoughts.

I need to get out of here.

New Beginnings

Now enters the time in everyone's life where we learn who our real friends are, who will remain with us for the rest of our lives. Life starts now. Everyone grows now.

I have no problem with change. I've had to undergo it constantly..

New York to Florida, middle school to middle school to middle school.. Four years of high school.. Every time I've ever returned to New York..

And now here's another change I'm undergoing..

"The Rest of my Life"..

..and so far, it's beginning to get interesting..

Here's the test we've all been studying for, the test our parents have 'hopefully' raised to for..

How many of us are ready?

Well, I'm not going to fail..

And I'm not going to let anyone else fail either..

Eternity

Soon it will be just like it was in the beginning.

But this time I have you to hold onto.

My heart will always be yours.

I, will always be yours.

We will always have the moon.

Remember what I told you a long time ago? About the moon, and how I'd always look for it?

I still do.

You may be three hundred thirty point four miles away..

..but I'll always be close by.

My sunshine, my world, my everything.

My moonlight..

that never goes out.

Never an Angry Person..

I awoken, looked at the time.. it was 9:00..

I awoke again, it was 10:00, and I had remembered I had plans with Christina to go job hunting and get her mom a birthday present. I decided to rest a little bit more because I had just gotten off the phone with Jessica a couple hours earlier. I dozed off..

I woke up again, it was 11:00. I called up Christina quick. I was worried she might've been mad. I called her to let her know I was changing and on my way to pick her up. I smelled some shirts, slapped on pants, sprayed deodorant. I didn't shower. I didn't brush my teeth.. When your 18 years old with no job, you don't have to worry about much, especially when your first week of college was the next week.. I was worried I wouldn't make it to pick up my little sister and my friend Darryl form school in time.

I raced down the palmetto, straight to her house after briefly arguing with myself about stopping for a drink. I decided to stop for a drink after I picked her up. And I showed up at her doorstep.

Well not really. She locks her gate because in her part of town, people don't exactly stop at your front door to drop off fresh baked cookies, or fruit cakes..

So she comes out, and we both get in the car. I try not to talk much because I was careful of my bad breath. Don't speak to exhale, don't yell, don't talk face to face.. This is why I needed a drink so bad.. and so I turned into a gas station on Biscayne maybe one or two blocks from the mall..

..But let's side track..

As I was driving her, I had brought up how Indhira had broken up with Alex and all. (Indhira is this old habit that died hard.. I have no feelings for her anymore, but I still care. She was above all a good friend of mine..) Christina spoke to me about how she spoke with Alex and all about it.. Why did I bring this up?

I had a dream..(which I've been having alot of lately..) It was about Indhira. What's most dominant in my memory about it was Alex, the encompass of all things evil and misunderstood..(in my dream he was making voodoo doll children that came to life).. and Indhira was missing, and I was looking for her. I was the only one with her cell number, and she would only talk to me. She was hurt, crying about something, so she ran away and I had to search for her.. but I never found her.

..After telling Christina about my dream I go get something to drink at the "Chevron" I think it was.. I get the 2 dollar Iced Tea. Fuck. If there's something I can't stand is spending two singles when I have change in the car. I bought it anyway. The black guy at the counter gave me the wrong change I noticed, and he took long enough to give it to me. But I brushed it off, (so is the "Generation X" epidemic that spreads in america..) and went back in the car. I was pulling out of the gas station..

..and this is where I had to collect my thoughts and formulate a summary that understandable enough to be comprehended for lamen purposes..

"Did you bitch at him?.. I would've bitched at him.. I don't care if he didn't understand english, just the expressions on my face would've been enough.."

"Wow dude. Umm.. did you get a ticket?.. Whose fault was it?.. That's bullshit, all cops are dicks man, how could it be both your faults?.."

"Hi you've reached Chris, I'm not by the phone right now but if you leave a message with your name and number I'll be sure to get back to you.."

"Hi I'm sorry, you've reached Mrs. R, I'm not at the phone right now, please leave a message, thank you.."

"Babe my tia.. What? Are you alright? Oh my god!"

..I had to be recorded over the telephone to make my statement for the investigator.. he asked me some standard questions.. but before all of this I had to explain what happened.. and I did. I was shaking the whole time, it was probably because I was nervous.. but then again I had felt cold.

"I pulled onto the second lane from the gas station going north. I wasn't going fast at all, at the most 30. Umm.. I saw him making a left going east. His car was stationary in the middle of the intersection, on the median. I had the green light so I had the right of way. There was also a red mustang behind me a couple of feet in the next lane to my right. I wasn't until about 15 to 20 feet that he began to make his left. He stopped in the middle of the road, I guess he misjudged what lane I was in and I broke hard. I hit the brakes and turned the wheel to the left to avoid collission, but I ended up hitting him on the passenger side. We pulled over, and waited for the police he came about ten minutes later.."

..It happened 11:44 a.m. on Biscayne Boulevard and 191 Avenue. Christina was okay. I was okay. No injuries, and no one got hurt, like I said I didn't go that fast. The airbags didn't even go off.

It all happened fast, but I remember it all pretty well. At first I felt down, dissappointed in myself.. not because I was going to get yelled at when I was going to get home, not because my car was probably going to get taken away.. It was because Saturday would begin the great test of faith. Saturday would spell out the beginning of a new change. And I only had two (maybe three) days of happiness.

You know when you have you life flash before your eyes when you endure a possible "life threatening" situation? Well I didn't have that. Instead I had something else that goes to show how much I value my own life when put by comparison.

Jessica, flashed before me. I was down because I might not be able to see her the next day, or maybe even the rest of the week. I endured alot of yelling, and when I mentioned leaving the next day to see her I endured even more yelling. Lucky for me, I came out victorious, but on poor terms. Like winning a war and losing your entire army, that bend where the happiest day of your life quickly turns into the worst, and you didn't even see it coming.

Nothing mattered. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong about not having my life flash? Instead I had her flash before me. Is it love? Foolishness?

"Yeah umm.. the other driver says he had the green light to turn left, and said you ran a red."

You could imagine the face I had when my insurance claims investigator told me that. I'll take a polygraph, I'm certain I had the green. Christina is certain I had the green. The red mustang that passed me was certain that there was a green light..

"Where is my mind?"

I love you Jessica.

"F.P.B."

My Lucky Day..

Now I don't mean to take joy and pleasure in someone else's misfortune but thank god school started because otherwise I would have no hope of getting a job! Those fucking working kids saturating the employment market! Go home and mooch off your parents!

Now back to reality, today I went with Darryl after picking him up from school to search for a job. It turns out jobs are in season and everyone's hiring! So I'm going to apply everywhere. I was thinking about applying at the women's clothing stores, but they all seem so "woman-like". Besides I don't know woman's sizes.. except.. oh nevermind.

And I decided to work the kinks out of my "fake-myspace". I'm using the status of "God". I'm planning on raising the hairs on the backs of myspacers I suppose, and I don't really want to fuck with some overly religious anal followers of a said "God" and that my disposition may dishonor his name when all I want to do is do it in good fun.. anyway I never liked those kind of fuckers.

Tomorrow is party time! I'm bringing a litter of DVD's to watch. I don't expect to dance.. at all. I'm kind of scared and nervous to be honest. Scared because so-and-so doesn't like me, nervous because so-and-so doesn't like me. In a way I feel like doing something big, but I'm probably not in respect and courtesy. I have to behave. I'm going to behave. Wear pants D. Don't bring do anything crazy with any discarded cans of soda and bottles D. Don't bring any farm animals D. Don't D don't!

Oh and I sure hope Goslin doesn't hate on me because he's a reference on every job application I filled out. I have to get into contact with him soon.

And the next time I put up a "Legally Blonde" template, it's going to be because I really am having a "Perfect Day".

And I can't stop watching Garden State for some reason.. in actuality the movie does suck! But it's just overridden by all this good hearted.. I can't stand it it's so brutally awkward and honest, I feel just as embarassed as the characters are! Who walks arounds with "Balls" on your face? Who takes a moment to act like a retard and seek some kind of gratification from it? Why does the lead character look so ugly? Fucking nose! Fucking nose! I hope a pink train playing "The Village People's Greatest Hits" just runs him the fuck over!

"On this perfect day, nothing standing in my way.. la la la.."

It's a Perfect Day!

Nothing standing in my WAY I'll tell you that for sure buddy!

My Arms had Withdrawals Today, and I Smiled and Said..

..

A man got out of prison after 27 years because he was falsely accused of being a serial rapist. A county commisioner commits suicide after so much news coverage on him, generally being bad news. 29 school bus drivers got arrested for distributing drugs amongst the students. And an entire county of teachers are being questioned on their qualifications towards their careers in the school system. And lastly, "Operation Peter Pan" is about to make the catholic church much less credible than it already is, apparently priests just can't keep their hands to themselves..

Maybe since I'm from New York, I'm not surprised by any of this.. but this "notion" is soon going to be untrue and I'll find myself saying "Maybe since I'm from planet Earth, I'm not surprised by any of this"..

(I'm a big fan of The Wallflowers.. I literally love every song Jakob Dylan has written.. to me he's like an omnipotent version of his father.. his song "Babybird" actually made me cry, because I could relate to how it feels overpressured and expected to do so much, but always come up short.. to deal with the dissappointment and feel such a great shame of not living up to your expectations..)

I enjoyed this week. I didn't do much, but I was content and peaceful. I went looking for jobs, Pacsun isn't hiring until december, Waldebooks isn't hiring at this time (but I personally think she doesn't like my appearance, a dark skinned chinese boy that speaks spanish), Domino's needs drivers, and Bath and Body Works is hiring early September. Oh, and EB Games is too rich for my blood..

"..Mama don't you send me no love this month, 'cause my heart is all used up. And mama I wanna come home. I wanna get back home. So look out into the morning rain, 'cause I'm on the mourning train.."

"An equal oppurtunity employer", now what the fuck does that mean? Every job demands job experience, and I have none. All I did was volunteer work for a church that I later renounced my faith from and shocked a public with. "Mrs. R****'s son renounced his faith? But how?" Maybe because I'm alot more intelligent then the mindless dolts occupying the most unholy place of worship I've ever seen.

Ergo what I was saying previously, "equal oppurtunity employer". Now, judging by the statement it must mean that this employer gives equal oppurtunity to all. Maybe to new unemployed teenagers looking for their first job? I refuse to work at a Burger King contributing to the obesity of society with their BK Value Menu. McDonald's is even worse! I want to work for something that isn't a complete contribution to the decline of mankind.

"..I'm bringing down my suitcase now. I'm shining up my good shoes brown. 'Cause no one knows my name. Now no one knows my name. So look out into the morning rain, 'cause I'm on the mourning train.."

I was driving her home, and you could feel a sense of maturity. You could feel in the silence that we were grown up. That we were becoming adults, that we've arrived at that plane of reponsibility; I've felt like this alot lately.. Everyone once in a while sits up straighter, their shoulders back, their chin up, and blink with ease and almost with a subtle pride. You feel overwhelmed with prepared anticipation.

I know we all have to grow up sometime, and I think I have, but I try to digress as a means of not becoming a tight-ass like mosts adults are. Everyone is going to start college pretty soon, and I know they're scared, but I'm not, I don't think they should either. This is a chance to prove yourself, a chance to establish your right to live and survive. I'm not going to be one of those people that go back to my high school and see my teachers, try and relive the past and miss it all. I'm not going to kiss anyone's ass.

"..Oh mama look at me now, oh how I wish that you were around. So many friend I wish that I had right now.."

My sister goes to school next week and so does Darryl. I guess I'm going to have to pick her up from now on.. maybe Darryl too. I'm probably going to get alot of "hi's" and "hello's" but I'm not realy going to care for them. Just basic boring chatter "What college are you going to?", and "I'm going to miss you", when I'm thinking, "Well I'm not really going to miss you, I'll probably think about what ever happened to so-and-so for about have a second and quickly forget about you to be honest"..

Haha Darryl's going to school!

"..Mister you can't hurt me now. You got my girl still don't know how. But it don't matter now, no it don't matter now. So look out into the morning rain, 'cause I'm on, I'm already on the mourning train.."

Hyundai, Daily, and Pail..

Scarface, directed by Brian de Palma. Fight Club, directed by David Fincher. Reservior Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown written and directed by Quentin Tarantino. The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, written and directed by Wes Anderson. Cowboy Bebop: The Movie, and the entire series, created by Shinchiro Watanabe..
That is a list of my personal DVD collection. (Life Aquatic is Jessica's..) I had a conversation with Racquel (a pseudo/faux/oh fuck it she's a.. friend of mine). She's very cool. Very dig. I feel like inviting her to another outing of mines with everyone, she was such a good sport about the last time.
Apropos the conversation.. we were speaking on behalf of films. This is something I had not done since "Alex".. those days we were film freaks. But those days ended. Who knows.. maybe my film freakness will have a partner soon.
Well.. I did not know what life before internet was like. Before internet, well.. I don't believe there was ever a period in my life without it, ever! For the past two weeks, I had none, and I passed the time fixing my guitar.. barely.. Listening to music, watching my DVD's, Spending time with my sister, my friends, Jessica. It was remarkably pleasant! I was surprised I didn't really touch the television, being stuck on some channel.
Maybe it was a mistake to return to internet.. Weblogs are incredibly addictive, especially this new one that isn't really a "weblog" persay. It's more of a "on-line dating service". I'm being serious, it's mainly accounts of people with dozens of pictures (usually revealing and sultrily grotesque), and "shout-outs".. There really isn't a "log" feel to it. All it really is?
"HugeTits-DoT-cOm is in your extended network"..
..followed by..
"Profile-
I love guys, and puppies! They're so cute! I have this one puppy named guy! Get it?! I love them both so much! And sometimes at night when I'm alone with my puppy I like to take my..see more..
People I'd like to meet-
Guys and more puppies!"
And then the three billion friends they have.. provided with pictures. And for the sake of being a blog, they have a special section where you ae supposed to record writing in, much like a journal or log.. like a traditional weblog. But no one writes in it. Ever. I respect those who do, but to those who don't, I just get disgusted at. I hope Blogger never loses it's touch and sticks strictly to the rhetoric and writing sense.

"..Was an honest man. Asked me for the phone, tried to take control. Oh, I don't see it that way,
I don't see it that way. Oh, we shared some ideas. All obsessed with fame, says we're all the same. Oh, I don't see it that way. I don't see it that way. Raised in Carolina, "I'm not like that". Trying to remind her, when we go back.."

I was thinking how much I have changed. I used to be really into hip-hop. But all this "crunk music", all this "In the Closet".. It's ridiculous. I feel like hip-hop has died, and it's not coming back. I remember telling this once to "Alex" a long long time ago.. "Watch, just like rock and roll, hip-hop is going to go too.." I guess he thought I was having a prophetic moment. But look at us all now, look at what's en vogue, what we're listening to. Hip-hop has died. It's all about the money now, and I don't blame anyone. When you've been deprived of money, of course all you'll want is fame and fortune. It's very rare that someone comes along, as pure a heart as Charlie Bucket, or Mother Teresa.. but.. you can always depend on underground.

"..I missed the last bus, I'll take the next train; I try but you see, it's hard to explain; I say the right things, but act the wrong way; I like it right here, but I cannot stay; I watch the TV; forget what I'm told; Well, I am too young, and they are too old; The joke is on you, this place is a zoo; You're right it's true.."

Summer is almost over for me, my first semester of college is coming. I'm not scared of it, I'm not partcularly excited either. I just want to hit the books as soon as possible, start doing something that I believe in. Start living you know? I want to progress through the future already. I want things to get better, I want to start changing, I want to experience so much. I hope David was serious when he asked me "Want to go to Japan in three years?".. because shit, if he wasn't I sure am.

Oh! On a fantastic and marvelous note, Seu Jorge is coming to Miami, to the "I/O Club" in downtown.. maybe I'll see other fans of his. Thank god I'm 18. (I doubt Christina or Darryl would want to go though.. sucks.. I don't want to go alone.) I've never "officially" been "clubbing". This is going to be a first.

"..Says he can't decide. I shake my head to say, everything's just great. Oh, I just can't remember. I just can't remember. Raised in Carolina, she says: 'I'm not like that'. Trying to remind her, when we go back.."

That was pretty much what has been going on with me. Darryl is in Chicago, and Manuel (an old friend of mine) has left to join the United States Air Force. I wasn't invited to his last party, and I know why. The only dissappointment I have is not "fooling him enough" into thinking we were getting friendly again. I won't miss him. And I think I speak for everyone, and everyone at that party.. I won't miss him, and I hope he returns a homosexual (not that being a homosexual is bad or anything.. I'm just saying.) (Well maybe in some respects it's bad.. finding the same gender attractive.. oh nevermind. There I go getting all analytical and deep again.)

"..I say the right things but act the wrong way; I like it right here but I cannot stay; I watch the TV, forget what I'm told; Well, I am too young, and they are too old; Oh man can't you see I'm nervous, so please; Pretend to be nice, so I can be mean; I missed the last bus, I'll take the next train;I try but you see, it's hard to explain.."

To end this day's post of a recap from the last two weeks I believe.. I'll leave you with something Racquel said.. Mind you we we're talking about movies.. I think it went something like..
Me: Hey whatever happened to Siskel and Ebert, or Ebert and Roeper?
Her: Siskel died.
Me: Yeah I know that, it's just these days I never see them in commercials for other movies. Yu know the "Ebert and Roeper give it two thumbs up!". The whole 'thumbs thing'..
(No response for awhile..)
..
..
..
..
..
Her: Yeah they just hate movies..

(The lyrics in quotations through this post were from The Strokes "Hard to Explain". you can buy their album "Is This It?" now at your nearest retail store, or download them illegally from your home now..)

Oh and by the way, the title is based on a tiny, friendly argument about how to pronounce "Hyundai". It got ugly, but hey I just didn't want her to sound "wannabe foreign". (Thanks by the way for redoing my bracelet today.. well.. your bracelet on me.)